Justin Bieber’s Majestically Riding Dolphin Accident
CNN has reported early this morning, that the chickadee magnet known as Justin Bieber, has fortunately deceased. A group of medicated lifeguards said that as “the one with evil powers used to inflict fevers and diarrhea” was majestically riding dolphins at Wondrous Southhaven Seapark, he got careless…
A 75 year old female cruised by Bieber on another dolphin (-named Neecie), estimated to be travelling at speeds upwards of seventy one mph. Justin tried to work his heart-throb voodoo magic on her, with a wink. Unintelligently, he failed to notice the wake her dolphin was creating. Within seconds, he slipped off the dolphin and yipped in a high-pitched manner.
This in combination with the tsunami-like wake spooked Delfie the dolphin so much, that she turned in midair to catch JB in her ‘phin beak, swallowing him in a nervous frenzy. Delfie’s dolphin trainer said there was no reason to put the creature down after the incident, because Justin Bieber was frankly becoming a huge nuisance to the seapark. The trainer told stories of the young douche bag trying to have mallicious “concerts” involving dangerous firestorms, demonswoop hairdos, and music that even makes many deaf people want to commit the self kill. This sudden stoppage of insignificant life can only be described as an act of God…
The lifeguards went on to say that they didn’t feel it necessary to attempt to rescue Bieb-a-doo, because they were busy thumbwrestling and getting some rays. (Reuters have learned that those stingrays for which the lifeguards were gathering were going to be unleashed upon baby Justy, immediately after they tossed him into one of the parks empty pools.) “We wanted him gone, dude. He tried to get all of our sisters and moms to play spin the orange soda bottle and show him ‘their boobies’.”, said one L-G.
The same lifeguard also added that a friend of his who was visiting the park had no idea that J-Beibz was prancing around. When he found out Bieby-Jeebie was truly within a quarter mile of him, he nearly shoved a whole trout down his throat in an effort to die…
So in a day and age where a little boy can be a super popstar, leaving behind a trail of immaturity and bubblegum wrappers…, and tears of blood jump and fall from the faces of true artists struggling to breathe due to the fever of the hell weaver Beiber…, is it really so bad when a heroic dolphin leaps forth from the H2O and brings to an end an unscratchable hemhorroid? -No… It’s good, and they should marinate giant salmon in a delicious bacon sauce and present it to Delphie as a reward for eternity. Pictures have been pouring in from various locations around the globe, as swarms of people unite to do jagerbombs and release balloons that read “Yay! Dead ‘Baby’!!,” of course referencing one of Bieber’s nasty fingerpainting ballads. Al Queda was going to claim responsibility for the loss of life, but changed it’s minds saying it did no real harm to America or any other hated nations. The singer’s own mother has released the following statement:
“I am it’s mother…
I loved it when it popped out of my childbearing oven, because it kept making me sick when it was in me. But I only loved it for a few seconds. It began to cry, and that voice…, that dirty, squealy voice just made me want to be sucked into an escalator. I knew at that moment that I would become a rare religious alcoholic, praying everyday that he would just go mute, get abducted, anything at all, just to erase the mistake of not choosing to abort him. Well, that day is here. So thank you all for the love and smiles, and thank you Delphie for replacing Flipper as the dolphin of my heart. I have to go celebrate this beautiful day with Bob Saget, the Olsen twins, and a bottle of gin. Thank you. For now I can heal.”
To quote the words of a brilliant, american actress, “Duh, winning…!”, could easily be used to describe the joys of losing the Justin Bieber to a frightened dolphin, but gaining that and so much more. The world can sigh in relief, so long as it keeps all 1-13 year old girls on suicide watch temporarily (they’ll get over it soon). For this day, marks the beginning of not wishing for the fever to end every night, but taking a temperature and realizing the fever has dissipated into nothing more than dolphin feces. Thank you, and goodnight.
zacksid
